Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
