its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
