R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
