We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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