Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize