i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
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Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
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He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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