My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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