its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
