Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
