EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize