Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
