My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
