I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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