Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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