Old men and throwing up are my life now.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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