I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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