mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
