When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
and she was petting her beer can
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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