i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
