i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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