can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
