I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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