honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
