I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
