Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Randomize
