did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
