Betty ford says i'm here all night
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
