i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
