new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
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Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
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You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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