The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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