she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Randomize
