Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
