I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
