no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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