Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
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