i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
