3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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