Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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