Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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