We won't sleep together?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
