Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
