My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
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My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
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I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
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