I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize