I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
