i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
These tits shall not be calmed
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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