Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
