You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
