3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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