haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
