hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
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