I think my fart just growled at me.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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