The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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