Will you blow on my dice?
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
