Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
