PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
